Friday, July 22, 2005

It's over

Well, here I sit, less than 24 hours until my birthday, and I don't even know how to feel or what to think anymore. I tried my hardest to be the "better" person in the situation with my sister. I tried to keep my cool and not rip her apart like she was doing to me, I tried to simply state the facts and how I felt, but she had to do what she always has done and kept pushing until it came to the point of no return. She ended up sending me an email throwing every little thing that I have ever said or done to her in my face. I have never said that I was a perfect person, and I have never denied that many times I was a complete bitch to her. Over the years I have apologized and kissed ass MANY times for how I have treated her, but every time we have a huge arguement she throws it all back in my face like it just happened. I simply cannot and will not do this any longer. I have made many mistakes and bad choices in my life, but I have either paid for those mistakes, or taken steps to correct what I have done wrong. I have spent many years in and out of counselling trying to deal with who I am and why I am the way I am. I realize that I have "problems", I realize that I have a bad temper, but I have changed and am no where near as bad as I used to be. I like to think I am getting a little better with age ;) If I look at my life on a daily basis, I actually do pretty good, for me. I am learning to deal with things and handle them as they happen, instead of letting things pile up until I "blow". When it is just me, Ric and the kids I actually do very well, at least Ric says so.

Anyway, to make a long story short, my relationship with my sister is over. The worst part about it is that our mother has basically opted to take her side in this entire mess, which comes as no surprise actually. But that also means that besides losing my sister, I am also losing my mother. Me, I can handle it, it sucks and yeah I am very upset and depressed about it. BUT, how do I tell my kids that they probably will never see their favorite cousing again OR their only grandmother? That is what bothers me the most about all of this, the fact that 2 innocent children are the ones that are ultimately going to "pay the price".

So, I sit here, mentally and emotionally drained and exhausted. Yesterday, I was ready to give up and walk away from everything. I felt like I was a complete and total failure for what happened. But last night I sat and read, and re-read every email that I sent to her and every reply that she sent me back. Each reply I got back from her contained yet another "story line", it got to the point that by her last email, we weren't even discussing what originally started this whole thing. Each email she sent me got worse and worse, dragging up anything and everything she could think of to belittle me and attempt to make me feel even more like shit. She questioned how I raise my children, she threw it in my face about how many times I have been in counselling during my adult life, she even went to the point of telling me that her life with me was far more "abusive" than the abuse she is dealing with in her marriage. She told me that I needed to go back to counselling and deal with my bitterness because it was making me a psychotic bitch. But when I pointed that "finger" back at her and asked her if after 2 failed marriages and her current abusive one if she shouldn't maybe be in counselling or on medication OMG she flipped out. That's when she brought out "the big guns" and spent several more emails berating and belittling me for things that happened as far back as 30 years ago.

Anyway, I guess today "unofficially" is the start of a new life for me. No more phone calls to mom after Ric leaves for work to chit chat and talk about whats going on in our lives. No more 10,000 FWD emails from my sister, and no more having to deal with a brother in law who thinks it is ok to beat his wife. It's going to have it's good points and bad points, ya know? And it's going to have it's ups and downs. But I have no doubt, that in the end, I will survive. I have a wonderful husband who supports me no matter what and I have 2 children whom I love more with every beat of my heart! And I have MANY friends who have been there for me, through thick and thin. For ALL of you, I am truly greatful!!!



magikjaz said...

omg *hugs* I'm so sorry! Shame on her for being able to dish it out but not take it. And shame on your mom for taking sides (altho it's not unexpected) You are a beautiful person with a great heart! I am honored to be able to call you my friend! I am here for you if you need love and support. And maybe someday ur sis will get her head out of her ass long enough to realize she's losing a great thing in you! It totally sucks for your kids, i understand, butmaybe with Keith & Kryssy not seeing them either it will make their idiocy hit home more quickly. *crosses fingers* Love you girl!

Running2Ks said...

Now I know why you can relate. Well, here are some cyber hugs and support. I understand, and you'll be better for moving on.